The Gift Of Independence

Originally from http://joanigeltman.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-gift-of-independence.html

I found this wonderful comparison on facebook. I am older than almost everyone being a baby boomer so the “moms then”  was my absolute childhood! Probably not for most of you Gen Xers, but  you probably did not grow up with the moms now column either. I’m guessing you grew up with parents somewhere in the middle. Anyway have a good laugh!

I know the world can be a scary place. God knows we are bombarded with it these days by bombings, and opiod addiction and vaping and politics and climate change and scary stories about teens.  These are crazy making for parents. It makes us want to hold tight to our kids and keep them as safe as we can. Sometimes that holding tight for safety has mixed messages. Often parents say no to giving their teens the independence to safely navigate the world that will soon become their life when they leave home for college. But they give them access to drugs and alcohol in the house and technology that can potentially create addiction, contact with questionable people and way way too much access to cell phones, media and distractions with no supervision. But when their teen asks to take public transportation to go into “the city” parents quake in their shoes and say no.

I am always so shocked when I ask teens to describe their “world” to me. It is a world of being chauffeured by parents or UBER to friends houses, activities and parties because many teens now show little interest in getting their license. It is a world of houses and hangouts that never change from week to week. Rarely do I hear teens talk about getting on the “T” to go to “the city.” I have talked to a lot of college students who go to schools on suburban campuses who never leave their campus to investigate the wealth of culture and energy that a “city” can provide, even when colleges provide shuttles to the closest public transportation. Somewhere along the way we have scared our teens.
Taking risks, safe ones mean doing something new and challenging. It means figuring out directions, destinations, and making decisions without knowing the outcome. When is the last time your teen came to you for permission to do something like that. When my daughter was a senior in high school her group of friends wanted to go on a vacation after graduation together. My daughter asked if she could go. My answer was if you have the money and the will, go for it. I remember many of the parents wanted and did take over the planning of the trip for these girls, suggesting destinations, getting them the best price, finding the best airline etc. There was even a “parent meeting” to discuss the trip. Always the rebel, I refused to go. What is the point of an adventure, or can you even call it an adventure, if mommy and daddy do all the planning.What lessons are learned?
I remember my own post-high school graduation vacation I took with my 8 best friends. The planning was actually more fun than the week we had in Hyannis. Looking for the cottage, doing comparative pricing, and deciding which cape destination had the potential for the most boys took months of planning. And when we opened the door that June day to our very own cottage rental we felt euphoric. We had planned and talked and argued for months, and now here we were.

Open the door and send them out to play! Encourage your teen to take safe risks, to venture out of their comfort zone without your help. The confidence and competence they will feel and take away is worth it….for both of you.

PS If you work for a large company or corporation perhaps you’d like to talk to your HR or work/family department and investigate whether they would like me to come and do one of my lunchtime seminars for their employees. Here are some of the seminars I offer to companies!!
Understanding Your Child’s Temperament and Personality
Strategies For The Future
Is your child:
·      The adventurer
·      The lawyer
·      The child who always says no
·      The anxious/shy child
·      A combination of all 4
 This one-hour seminar describes these personality styles and gives parents the strategies to bring out the best in their child both in the present and implications for their development from childhood through their teen years.
 Audience: Parents of all ages
Sibling Rivalry 
Learn the development impact of age differences in sibling relationships and rivalry
When to intervene and when to let nature take its course
Strategies for healthy sibling relationships
Audience: all ages
Positive Discipline
·      Use the Power of Understanding to get your children ready to listen and accept.
·      Learn when and how to use “I get it” moments. No more arguing, no more fighting!
·      Learn how to be clear and consistent and manage your own frustration.
·      Learn how to set a limit and make it stick
·      Learn to Use a variety of techniques to manage troublesome behaviors.
Audience: all ages
Joani’s Top Ten Parenting Tips 
The secret to parenting is to keep it simple. Learn 10 simple, concrete practical tips useful in those daily moments of stress as a parent when you wish you had the “right thing to do and the right thing to say!
Audience: All ages
 FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
Adolescent Psychology: The Parent Version 
·      Learn how the brain affects your teen’s behavior. It’s the battle of the thinking brain VS the feeling brain.
  • Learn Effective strategies for arguing-The Four Ways Of Fighting.
  • Develop effective strategies for keeping your teen safe as they explore the new world of teen life.
  • Learn how to teen-proof your home and cell-proof your teen
Sexting. Texting and Social Networking: What’s A Parent To Do? 
  • Understand how the “emotional brain” of a teen gets “turned on” by social networking.
  • Understand how the “Imaginary Audience” influences your teen’s performing on social media.
  • Learn which apps are safe and unsafe
  • Learn strategies to monitor and set limits around phone and internet use
  • Learn how your own behavior with phones and computers can positively and negatively influence your teen.
Drugs and Alcohol: How Does Your Teen’s Personality Style, and Your Parenting Style impact their experimentation with drugs and alcohol? 
  • Identify your teen’s personality style and risk-factors with drugs and alcohol
  • Identify your parenting style and how it influences your teen’s drug and alcohol use
  • Learn effective strategies and scripts to keep your teen safe
College Bound:
  • Understand the emotional journey of your college bound high school student
  • Understand the emotional journey of a parent of college bound high school student
  • Learn strategies for making this process successful and positive
With over 40 years of experience working with families, Joani’s approach, using humor, storytelling and easy to use tools make the job of parenting just a little bit easier.
Joani Geltman MSW     781-910-1770    joanigeltman.com

10 Ways to Avoid Porn when you work from home

Ok you have to Work from Home, now more than ever you need to Avoid Porn

COVID-19 has changed everyday life for all of us. Although Covenant Eyes has always had a strong work-at-home culture, with employees all over the country, we know this isn’t true for all professionals. The idea of working from home is new for some and brings with it new challenges and opportunities.

With this influx of employees shifting from office to work at home environments, we cannot help but see an increased temptation to watch porn. Without the public setting of a work office, you may find yourself alone in a room at home, with nobody to look over your shoulder and hold you accountable to what you are viewing online.

We want to help you! If you’re stuck at home for the next few weeks, here are our top 10 ways to avoid porn. And, well, COVID-19 while you’re at it.

1. Work in an open space.

This can be difficult to do, especially if you have children home from school. Find a space in your home that is “in the light.” This could be a kitchen table, open-door office, living room with desk space. Work in a place where someone could see you if you are watching porn. You will feel less tempted to do so!

2. Take up a hobby.

So you’re going to be home—a lot. Because you will be spending fewer hours in a public work setting, you may find yourself with time on your hands. What will you do with this boredom? Well, instead of using your extra free time to watch pornography, we suggest you learn a new hobby (or invest in one you already have!). Try a new recipe, start a new book, learn a new card game with your children—the options are truly endless!

3. Use your phone to communicate.

Normally, we at Covenant Eyes wouldn’t encourage you to “use your phone!”, but as in-person contact with others is limited, we need accountability with others more than ever. If you’re feeling tempted to watch porn, call a friend, or ally (there’s a good chance they’re working from home, too)! Call a family member or anyone whom you feel comfortable with sharing your struggles. You can even send them a quick text if it’s easier. Use your phone to communicate with those who will hold you accountable while you sit at home.

4. Keep a steady routine.

When I work from home, I have found that it is essential that I keep my daily routine, as if I were going into the office. This means waking up at the same time, showering, drinking my usual cup of coffee, and starting work at my normal hours. I encourage you to do the same. By maintaining a routine, you will be less prone to slip-ups.

5. Go outside!

Spring is almost here, and if you live in a warmer climate, spring is already here! If you are able, take frequent breaks from being indoors. Walk the dog, take the trash out, or just go sit on your front porch for a few minutes. A breath of fresh air and bright sunlight will do you good, especially if you are struggling with the temptation to watch porn.

6. Clean the house.

In my home, this is something that always needs to be done. Whether you have kids or not, the toilet could always use a good scrubbing! Put some headphones in, crank up your favorite tunes, and get to cleaning! It provides a great distraction for the other things (watching porn) you could be doing, and it will provide you with a sense of satisfaction.

COVID-19 is another great reason to clean your house anyway, so let that motivate you. Goodbye, germs!

7. Finish that DIY project!

Being stuck at home is the perfect opportunity to finish those projects you have had sitting around for weeks (or months, if you’re me). Take the time you would have spent driving into work, and put that last coat of paint on your walls, or put together the half-assembled piece of furniture in your garage.

8. Exercise.

Your local gyms and Crossfit centers might be closed, but you can still workout and move your body within the confines of your own home! If you have kids, take them for a run with you. They’re going to need to use their pent-up energy somehow! Participate in physical exercise for 30 minutes a day, if possible. I have found that even a quick, 10-minute jog in the mornings boosts my day and leaves me feeling more focused and positive.

9. Pray.

This might be the easiest tip of them all! As you feel tempted while working from home, pray. And because you may find yourself more tempted than usual, pray often. One of the many beauties of prayer is that it can be done whenever, wherever, 24/7. COVID-19 cannot stop it. While you are in prayer, pray for others as well. There is no better time than now to lift up our world to God and ask for wisdom, peace, and healing. In the midst of this chaos, do not forget that we serve a mighty God who does answer our prayers!

10. Serve others.

Believe it or not, you can still serve from the confines of your home! There are so many people likely to find themselves in great need over the next few weeks. Meals on Wheels delivers freshly prepared meals to senior citizens living on their own. Food banks are stocking up to serve out-of-school children the meals that they aren’t able to afford at home. Check your local news coverage to see who needs what in your area, and step up! Serving others will give you a long-lasting satisfaction—far greater than any amount of porn!

Remember, working from home can be a challenge. It can be an avenue for temptation. If and when you prepare to do so, do not give up hope. Take the steps necessary in your home life to avoid porn and stay on the road of freedom. And, if you’re not using Covenant Eyes yet, now more than ever is the right time to get started.

Pornography Stats

this information is taken from the Covenant Eyes Website

“It seems so obvious: If we invent a machine, the first thing we are going to do—after making a profit—is use it to watch porn.” – Damon Brown, Author of Playboy’s Greatest Covers

It’s projected that virtual reality (VR) porn should be a $1 billion business by the year 2025. That’s third behind an expected $1.4 billion virtual reality video game market and $1.23 billion VR NFL-related content.

VR Business

Pornographers are hoping VR porn will boost porn website revenues that have been mostly stagnant from 2010 to 2015. In that time, adult content increased roughly 0.3% to $3.3 billion.

VR revenue


In 2006, estimated revenues for sex-related entertainment businesses were just under $13 billion in the US. These estimates included video sales and rentals, Internet sales, cable, pay-per-view, phone sex, exotic dance clubs magazines, and novelty stores.

28,258 users are watching pornography every second.

$3,075.64 is spent on porn every second on the Internet.

88% of scenes in porn films contain acts of physical aggression, and 49% of scenes contain verbal aggression.

79% of porn performers have used marijuana, and 50% have used ecstasy.

1 in 5 mobile searches are for pornography.

“Amateurs come across better on screen. Our customers feel that. Especially by women you can see it. They still feel strong pain.” – Carlo Scalisi, Owner of 21 Sexury Video

There are higher percentages of subscriptions to porn sites in zip codes that…

  • Are more urban than rural.
  • Have experienced an increase in higher than average household income.
  • Have a great density of young people (age 15-24).
  • Have a higher proportion of people with undergraduate degrees.
  • Have higher measures of social capital (i.e. more people who donate blood, engage in volunteer activities, or participate in community projects).

How Porn Damages Consumers’ Sex Lives

this post is from fightthenewdrug.org

According to research and personal accounts, instead of increasing sexual enjoyment, porn often leads to less satisfying sex in the long run and, for many porn consumers, no sex at all.

Porn promises a virtual world filled with sex—more sex and better sex. What it doesn’t mention, however, is that the further a porn consumer goes into that fantasy world, the more likely their reality is to become just the opposite. [1] Porn often leads to less sex and less satisfying sex. [2] And for many consumers, porn eventually means no sex at all. [3]

How? Well, it starts in the brain.

You see, your brain is full of nerve pathways that make up what scientists call your “brain map.” [4] It’s kind of like a hiking map in your head, with billions of tiny overlapping trails. These pathways connect different parts of your brain together, helping you make sense of your experiences and control your life.

When you have a sexual experience that feels good, your brain starts creating new pathways to connect what you’re doing to the pleasure you’re feeling. [5] Essentially, your brain is redrawing the sexual part of your map so you’ll be able to come back later and repeat the experience. [6] (See How Porn Affects The Brain Like a Drug ). The same thing happens the first time someone consume’s porn. The porn consumer’s brain starts building new pathways in response to this very powerful new experience. [7] It’s saying, “This feels great! Let’s do this again.”

But here’s the catch: brain maps operate on a “use it or lose it” principle. [8] Just like a hiking trail will start to grow over if it’s not getting walked on, brain pathways that don’t get traffic become weaker and can even be completely replaced by stronger pathways that get more use.

As you might expect, consuming porn is a very powerful experience that leaves a strong and lasting impression in the brain. (See How Porn Changes The Brain.) Every time someone consumes porn—especially if they heighten the experience by masturbating—the part of the brain map that connects arousal to porn is being strengthened. [9] Meanwhile, the pathways connecting arousal to things like seeing, touching, or cuddling with a partner aren’t getting used. Pretty soon, natural turn-ons aren’t enough, and many porn consumers find they can’t get aroused by anything but porn. [10]

How bad is the problem? Put it this way: doctors are seeing an epidemic of young men who, because of their porn use, can’t get it up with a real, live partner. [11]

Thirty years ago, when a man developed erectile dysfunction (ED), it was almost always because he was getting older, usually past 40. As his body aged it became more difficult to maintain an erection. [12] Chronic ED in anyone under 35 was nearly unheard of. [13] But those were the days before internet porn. These days, online message boards are flooded with complaints from porn users in their teens and 20s complaining that they can’t maintain an erection. [14] They want to know what’s wrong with their body, but the problem isn’t in the penis—it’s in the brain. [15]

Study after study has shown that porn is directly related to problems with arousal, attraction, and sexual performance. [16]. Porn leads to less sex and to less sexual satisfaction within a relationship. [17] Researchers have shown a strong connection between porn use and low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and trouble reaching orgasm. [18] Many frequent porn users reach a point where they have an easier time getting aroused by internet porn than by having actual sex with a real partner. [19] One recent study even concluded that porn use was likely the reason for low sexual desire among a random sample of high school seniors. [20] Who has ever heard of that? Low sexual desire among high school seniors!

This trend of sexual problems is especially serious for teens and young adults. Their brains are particularly vulnerable to being rewired by porn, [21] and they are in a period where they are forming crucial attitudes, preferences, and expectations for their future. [22]

Young people imitate what they see in porn, and when teens learn about sexuality from porn, they are in danger of adopting the misleading, harmful biases embedded there. [23] Many teens never have the chance to learn what a healthy relationship is like before porn starts teaching them its version—which is typically filled with domination, infidelity, abuse, and violence. [24] Since most people aren’t too excited about entering a relationship with someone who has attitudes like that, teens who get their sex ed from porn often find that they struggle to connect with real romantic partners. [25]

Fortunately, the brain is a resilient organ. The sexual dysfunction caused by porn can be reversed, [26] and a brain map can be rewired to work well again once porn is out of the picture. [27]

for more interesting articles also check here

Over Awareness of Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying awareness worldwide 2018, by country Published by J. Clement, Oct 14, 2019, This statistic shows the global awareness of cyberbullying in selected countries. The country with the highest rate of cyberbullying awareness was Sweden, with 91 percent of respondents reporting that they knew about cyberbullying. According to Ipsos, 75 percent of global respondents were aware of cyberbullying. Overall awareness of cyberbullying in select countries

source Statista

Smartphone overuse Prevention tips and tools

The following tools or interventions can be used to prevent or treat mobile phone overuse.

Behavioral

Many studies have found relationships between psychological or mental health issues and smartphone addiction. Hence, behavioral interventions such as individual or family psychotherapy for these issues may help. In fact, studies have found that psychotherapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Motivational Interviewing are able to successfully treat Internet Addiction and may be useful for mobile phone overuse too. Further, support groups and family therapy may also help prevent and treat internet and smartphone addiction.

Further, complete abstinence from mobile phone use or abstinence from certain apps can also help treat mobile phone overuse.

Other behavioral interventions include practicing the opposite (e.g. disrupt their normal routine and re-adapt to new time patterns of use), goal-setting, reminder cards (e.g. listing 5 problems resulting from mobile phone overuse and 5 benefits of limiting overuse), and creating a personal inventory of alternative activities (e.g. exercise, music, art)

In 2019 the World Health Organization issued recommendations about the active lifestyle, sleep and screen time for children at age 0-5. The recommendations are:

For children in age less than one year: 30-minute physical activity, 0 hours screen time and 14 – 17 hours of sleep time per day.

For children in age 1 year: 180 minutes physical activity, 0 hours screen time, 11–14 hours of sleep time per day.

For children age 2 years: 180 minutes physical activity, 1 hour screen time, 11–14 hours of sleep time per day.

For 3-4-year-old children: 180 minutes of physical activity, 1 hour screen time, 10–13 hours of sleep time per day.

Phone settings

Many smartphone addiction activists (such as Tristan Harris) recommend turning one’s phone screen to grayscale mode, which helps reduce time spent on mobile phones by making them boring to look at. Other phone settings alterations for mobile phone non-use included turning on airplane mode, turning off cellular data and/or WiFi, turning off the phone, removing specific apps, and factory resetting

Phone apps

German psychotherapist and online addiction expert Bert te Wildt recommend using apps such as Offtime and Mental to help prevent mobile phone overuse. In fact, there are many apps available on Android and iOS stores that help track mobile usage. For example, in iOS 12 Apple added a function called “Screen Time” that allows users to see how much time they have spent on the phone. In Android, a similar feature called “digital wellbeing” has been implemented to keep track of cell phone usage.

 These apps usually work by doing one of two things: increasing awareness by sending user usage summaries, or notifying the user when he/she has exceeded some user-defined time-limit for each app or app category, of course, there are some very good parental control apps, that will allow you to monitor and set cellphone time uses, you can check out one free here

Research-based

Studying and developing interventions for temporary mobile phone non-use is a growing area of research.

Hiniker et al. generated 100 different design ideas for mobile phone non-use belonging to eight organic categories: information (i.e. agnostically providing information to the user about his or her behavior), reward (i.e. rewarding the user for engaging in behaviors that are consistent with his or her self-defined goals), punishment (i.e. punishing the user for engaging in behaviors that are inconsistent with his or her self-defined goals), disruption (i.e. a temporary barrier momentarily prevents the user from engaging in a specific behavior), limit (i.e. certain behaviors are time or context-bound or otherwise constrained within defined parameters), mindfulness (i.e. the user is asked to reflect on his or her choices, before, during or after making them), appeal to values (i.e. reminding the user about the underlying values that shaped his or her decisions about desired use and non-use), social support (i.e. opportunities for including other individuals into the intervention). Users found interventions related to information, limit, and mindfulness to be the most useful. The researchers implement an Android app that combined these 3 intervention types and found that users reduced their time with the apps they feel are a poor use of time by 21% while their use of the apps they feel is a good use of time remained unchanged

AppDetox allows users to define rules that limit their usage of specific apps.

 PreventDark detects and prevents the problematic usage of smartphones in the dark. Using vibrations instead of notifications to limit app usage has also been found to be effective.

Further, researchers have found group-based interventions that rely on users sharing their limiting behaviors with others to be effective.

Bans on mobile phone use

See also: Mobile phone use in schools

In some places in the world, the use of mobile phones was banned in classes during instructional time, for example, in FranceOntario. Research says it improves the performance of students.

Psychological symptoms of phone usage

The psychological symptoms that people who are addicted to smartphones might possess are depressionsocial isolationlow self-esteem, and anxiety.

 First of all, depression is a medical illness that adversely influences people in emotion, imagination, and action. It is the common word related to the mental problem that everyone might have heard. It is the symptom that people possess a lot offline, however, the number of people gets in online these days. Second, social isolation is the lack of interaction between individuals and society. If the communications are just done by the message on the phone, the conversation with face-to-face would no more happen and the offline real-life friends would not be made or resisted anymore.

People might think they are happy and satisfying their life, however, only online. Therefore, they would end up people feel lonely and isolated from the world when they are in real life. Lastly, low self-esteem and anxiety are a lack of confidence and feeling negative about oneself. People check the reaction to their posts and care about likes, comments, and other’s posts, which decreases self-esteem. Furthermore, even when we are with friends, we check our SNS updates instead of having a conversation. We reply to another friend’s message even we are with other friends and check our phone even the notifications were not on. These connect to anxiety; caring for other’s reactions to show off themselves, checking phones frequently for no reason.

Depression

스크린샷 2019-10-24 오전 8.12.24.png

Depressive symptoms, in particular, are some of the most serious psychological problems in adolescents; the relationship between depressive symptoms and mobile phone addiction is a critical issue because such symptoms may lead to substance abuse, school failure, and even suicide. Depression caused by phone addiction can result in failure of the entire life. For example, if the person is diagnosed with depression, they start to compare themselves with others. They might think everyone expects him or herself is happy and lucky. Then, the person will start to curse all the people and hate him or herself. Furthermore, the person will remind their selves that they might fail in everything they try because they cannot succeed.

Their suicide rate rose by 65% in those five years and the number of girls with severe depression rose by 58%. Moreover, About 48% of those who spent five or more hours a day on their phones—a lot of time by any measure—had thought about suicide or made plans for it, vs. 28% of those who spent only one hour per day on their phones, which was able to see how phone addiction is, directly and indirectly, affecting humans and how the majority of humans are already affected by it and the rate is still increasing. Depression can be defined as a broad symptom of phone addiction, which includes isolation, anxiety, or self-esteem.

Isolation

The increase of mobile phone addiction levels would increase user’s social isolation from a decrease of face-to-face social interactions, then users would face much more interpersonal problems. The phone stops the conversation and interaction between humans. If the communications are just done by the message on the phone, the conversation with face-to-face would no more happen and offline real-life friends would not be made or resisted anymore. People might think they are happy and satisfying their life, however, only online. Therefore, they would end up people feel lonely and isolated from the world when they are in real life. Furthermore, Phone addiction not only makes the people who are addicted to phone isolated but also makes the people around them feel isolated.

Low self-esteem and anxiety

The other psychological symptoms that are caused by phone addiction are self-esteem and anxiety. Social Network Service (SNS) is one of the main streams in the world these days, therefore it dissolved a lot in daily life too. Studies have consistently shown that there are significant relationships between high extraversion, high anxiety, and teenagers’ low self-esteem with the mobile phone, and the stronger the young person’s mobile phone addiction, the more likely is that individual to have high mobile phone call time, the excessive number of calls and text messages. When we communicate with friends, we use SNS or message to contact.

Anxious people more easily perceive certain normal life matters as pressure. To reduce this stress might result in even more addictive behaviors and females are more likely to use mobile phones to maintain social relations.

When we see cool things or want to show something to others, we open our Snapchat, Instagram, or Twitter to post it. After, people check the reaction to their posts and care about likes, comments, and other’s posts, which decreases self-esteem. Furthermore, even we are with friends, we check our SNS updates instead of having a conversation. We reply to another friend’s message even we are with other friends and check our phone even the notifications were not on.

These connect to anxiety; caring for other’s reactions to show off themselves, checking phones frequently for no reason. In other words, it is called, “Forecast error” that keeps us coming back, even though it often has a negative effect on our mental health. And this cycle sounds eerily like a classic addiction.

Moreover, online, under the name anonymous, people utilize it in bad ways like the cyberbully or spread rumors. People also force their opinions and post bad comments that might hurt others too. All of these examples would result in people by having a symptom of anxiety and low self-esteem that connects to depression.

post source Wikipedia, chart source Statista